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The Duties of Husbands and Wives
Richard Steele
A Modern Abridgment and Paraphrase by D. Scott Meadows
"Nevertheless let every one of you in
particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she
reverence her husband" (Ephesians 5:33).
1. The
Connection. "Nevertheless" is a transition from the spiritual reality
of Christ's relationship to the church. It either means that in spite of the
unattainable ideal, strive to attain it, or because of the noble example,
imitate it, in your relationship with your spouse.
2. The
Direction.
A.
The universal obligation of it. "Let each one of you," no
matter how good you are or how bad your spouse. All husbands are entitled to
their wives' respect, whether they are wise or foolish, intelligent or slow,
skillful or clumsy. All wives are entitled to their husbands' love, whether
beautiful or ugly, rich or poor, sub- missive or rebellious.
B.
The particular application of it. "In particular," each and every
husband and wife should apply this to their own particular case.
3.
Summary of Duties.
A.
Every husband's duty. To love his wife. This is not the only
duty but it includes all others. He should love her as himself. This is both
how (the Golden Rule) and why he is to love her (because they are both really
one, loving her will result in blessings to him).
B.
Every wife's duty. To fear (Greek) or reverence (KJV) or respect (NKJV)
her husband, both for his person and his position. This necessarily includes
love, because if she loves him, she will try to please him, and avoid
offending him.
DOCTRINE: EVERY HUSBAND
SHOULD LOVE His WIFE AS HIMSELF, AND EVERY WIFE SHOULD RESPECT HER HUSBAND.
Remember this is
your Creator's counsel, clearly articulated in both the Old and New Testaments,
and by both Paul the apostle to Gentiles (Eph. 5:23 ff.; Col. 3:18 ff.) and
Peter the apostle to Jews (I Pet. 3:1 ff.). These two duties (husband-love,
wife-respect) are not exhaustive, but are mentioned particularly either because
they are the most common failures of each or because they include all other
duties. Another explanation is that respect is what husbands need most, and
love, what wives need most, from their spouses (Doug Wilson). God counsels not
only that we may have eternal life, but comfort here and now. A godly marriage
is a bit of heaven on earth. Reviewing these duties should humble us for our
past failures, and challenge us to future improvement.
The
Duties Belonging to Both Alike
1. Living
with Each Other. He must "leave his father and mother and be joined to
his wife" (Gen. 2:24), and she must "forget her own people also, and her
father's house" (Psa. 45:10). He must "dwell with his wife" (I Pet. 3:7), and
she must not "depart from her husband," even if he is an unbeliever (1 Cor.
7:10). The other duties of marriage require living together, as regular sexual
relations, which they both owe each other (I Cor. 7:3-5). The OT prohibits
husbands from going to war during their first year of marriage (Deut. 24:5).
This shows the importance of living together.
2. Loving
Each Other. This is both the husband's (Col. 3:19) and the wife's duty
(Tit. 2:4). Love is the great reason and comfort of marriage. This love is not
merely romance, but genuine and constant affection and care for each other
"fervently with a pure heart" (1 Pet. 1:22). Marital love cannot be based on
beauty or wealth, for these are passing, and not even on piety, for that may
decay. It must be based upon God's command which never changes. The marriage vow
obliges "for better or for worse," and married persons ought to consider their
own spouses the best in the world for them. Marital love must be durable,
lasting even after death has severed the bond (Prov. 31:12). This true-hearted
love brings true content and comfort in its train. It guards against adultery
and jealousy. It prevents or lessens family trouble. Without it, the marriage is
like a bone out of joint. There is pain until it is restored.
3.
Staying Faithful to Each Other. Every man should have (sexually) his
own wife, and every wife her own husband (1 Cor. 7:2), and only their own.
Imitate the first Adam who had but one wife and the second Adam who has but one
church. The marriage covenant binds you to your spouse as the dearest, sweetest,
and best in the world. The slightest infidelity, even in the heart may lead to
full-blown adultery. Without repentance, adultery destroys both earthly
happiness and reasonable expectation of heaven. It almost dissolves marriage,
and in the OT was a capital crime (Deut. 22:22). Be careful to avoid temptations
to this sin. The man who is not satisfied with one woman will never be satisfied
with many, because this sin has no boundaries. Faithfulness also involves
keeping each others secrets. These must not be disclosed unless there is a
greater obligation. Telling your spouse's secrets is bad when accidental, worse
when the result of temper, and the worst when it is motivated by hate.
4.
Helping Each Other. The wife should be a "helper comparable to her
husband" (Gen. 2:18), implying they should both help each other. They should
carry these things together:
A.
Their work. If she works at home and he works outside, both
their work shall be easier. For motivation, let him give attention to all of
Proverbs, and her to the last chapter especially.
B.
Their crosses. Though newlyweds expect only pleasure in
marriage, trouble is bound to come (1 Cor. 7:28). You may face loss of worldly
goods, harm to your children, afflictions from both friends and enemies.
Spouses must be friends to each other through thick and thin.
C.
Their commitment to Christ. Live "as being heirs together of
the grace of life" (1 Pet. 3:7). The highest end of marriage is to promote
each other's eternal happiness. Cooperation here is very important. His
knowledge must aid her ignorance, and her zeal his discouragement. When the
husband is home, he must instruct and pray with his family and sanctify the
Sabbath, but in his absence, she must look to these things.
5. Being
Patient with Each Other. This duty we owe to all, but especially to our
spouse (Eph. 4:31-32). There are many temptations in marriage to become
impatient! Hot tempers ignite civil wars indoors, and no good ever comes of
them. Both need a meek and quiet spirit. Learn to hold your peace to keep the
peace. Withdraw until the storm is over. You aye not two angels married, but two
sinful children of Adam. Wink at lesser faults, and be careful in confronting
greater ones. Acknowledge your faults to one another and confess them all to
God. Yield to one ano rather than to the devil (Eph. 4:27).
6. Saving
Each Other. 1 Corinthians 7:16 insinuates that our great duty is to
promote the salvation of our spouse. What good is it to enjoy marriage now and
then go to hell together? If you let your spouse be damned, where is your love?
Both should inquire into each other's spiritual state, and use the means
appointed to improve it. Chrysostom said, "Let them both go to church and then
discuss the sermon together." If both are Christians already, then they should
do what they can to help each other to become thorough saints. Speak often of
God and spiritual things, Be fellow-pilgrims to the Celestial City.
7.
Maintaining Regular but Moderate Marital Sex. "Marriage is honorable
among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge"
(Heb. 13:4). Marital sex is designed to remedy impure affections, not excite
them. You cannot follow every sexual folly you can imagine with your spouse,
just because you are married. Owning wine gives you no permission to get drunk.
Be moderate and sensible. For example, you might abstain for a time to give
yourselves to prayer (1 Cor. 7:5). Even in marital relations we must show
reverence to God and respect for each other. True love does not behave rudely.
8. Lookng
Out for Each Other's Interests in All Things. Help each other's health,
and be sick together, at least in spirit. One should not be rich while the other
suffers want. Advance each other's good reputation. A husband naturally and
rightly cares for things that are of the world, how he may please his wife, and
the wife does the same (1 Cor. 7:33-34). This brings honor to their faith,
comfort to their lives, and a blessing on all they have. They should be bosom
friends, laughing and weeping together, with nothing but death separating their
interests.
9.
Praying for Each Other. Peter warns against "their prayers being
hindered" (1 Pet. 3:7), which suggests they should pray for and with each other.
"Isaac pleaded with the Lord for his wife, because she was barren" (Gen. 25:21).
We should pray for everyone, but especially our spouse. The purest love is
expressed by earnest prayer, and prayer will preserve love. Seek times for
prayer together. Mr. Bolton prayed twice privately, twice with his wife, and
twice with his family, each day. Prayer elevates Christian marriage above
heathen marriages and the cohabitation of animals.
The
Special Duty of a Husband: Love
Love is the
foundation of all other duties toward her. Everything flows from this. Without
love, every performance of duty toward her seems hard. Tenderness, honor, care,
and kindness are merely the beams from the sun of love.
1. The
Dimensions of a Godly Husband's Love. The love of a husband to his wife
is peculiar to this relation. It is distinct from parental love and from animal
lust.
A.
The ground of it. Your are married to her and God commands
husbands to love their wives. This alone will last forever, since she may
become less attractive in many ways.
B.
The extent of it. You must love both her body and soul.
Therefore you should choose a wife that is physically and
personality/spiritually attractive to you, or you do her disservice.
C.
The degree of it. Above his love for all others, including his parents
and children, and certainly above any person outside the family. "Always be
enraptured with her love" (Prov. 5:19).
D.
The duration of it. "Always" (Prov. 5:19 quoted above), not only in
public but in private, not for a week or month or year, but until death. Your
love should daily increase through old age. You had her beauty and strength,
so why not her wrinkles and illnesses? Inner loveliness usually increases as
outer loveliness decreases. There are many biblical reasons for a husband's
perpetual love.
2. The
Pattern of a Godly Husband's Love.
A.
Jesus Christ's love for His church. "Husbands, love your wives just
as Christ also loved the church" (Eph. 5:25). "Nourish and cherish her, just
as the Lord does the church" (5:29). While we cannot attain equality with
Christ, yet the quality of our love should be the same m His. How, then, does
Jesus Christ love His church?
1)
Genuine, without hypocrisy. His love was so real and intense that
He died for the church.
2)
Free, without conditions before or expectatiom after. He gave Himself to
cleanse His church, implying she was no beauty beforehand. The husband must
draw love from her by his own love. True love is more about bettering the
object loved than enriching the subject.
3)
Holy, without impurity. Christ loved the church "that He might
sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word" (5:26). This
teaches the husband to labor diligently to further the sanctification of his
wife.
4)
Great, without comparison. "Greater love has no one than this, than
to lay down one's life for his friends" (John 15:13). This is what Christ
did for His church (5:25).
5)
Constant, without change. Even until He presents her to Himself a
glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle" (Eph. 5:27). Many times has
Christ been put off by them, and yet He continues to love them. Husbands
should copy His example. No bad behavior on her part is grounds to stop
loving her.
6)
Active, without neglect. He "nourishes and cherishes her" (5:29).
He must do his utmost to supply all her needs, whether for support, or
constant friendship, or a nurse for her illness.
B. The
husband's love for himself. "So husbands ought to love their wives as
their own bodies" (5:28). "Let each one ofyou in particular so love his own
wife as himself' (5:33). Now although this pattern is less than Christ's love
for His church, yet it is easier to comprehend,
1)
Tender. We handle our own sores and griefs more tenderly than
anyone else. "No one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes
it" (5:29). Wives are like crystal glasses, easily broken if not tenderly
handled. Women are more liable to fears and passions and griefs.
2)
Cheerful. No man is so ready to help a man as himself. Best friends
sometimes fail you but you help yourself. So be ready to help your wife. If
a cloud arises between you, dissipate it by your love. You will not stay
angry with yourself very long. No mediator should be needed.
3. The
Demonstration of a Godly Husband's Love.
A.
In word.
1)
He teaches her. "Dwell with her with understanding" (1 Pet. 3:7).
She should "ask her own husband at home" if she wants to learn something,
and not speak in the church (1 Cor. 14:35). Woe to the husband that lacks
either the will or the skill to teach his wife! He ought to acquire it in
either case. Othemise she will probably curse him forever in hell!
2)
He reproves her. "Love will cover a mul- titude of sins" (1 Pet.
4:8), so he should overlook many faults. Just w a sword dulls with constant
use, so does reproof. Yet true love sometimes requires rebuke, but it must
be given with the greatest wisdom and tenderness imaginable, not before
strangers, rarely before the family, mainly for sins, seldom for anything
else. Give commendation first, and explanation afterward. Reproof should be
short, like a very swift and slight slap (of course this is pure simile; a
husband should never strike his wife). If the potion is too hot, it does
more harm than good. Follow Job's example, when he said merely, "You speak
as one of the foolish women" (Job 2:10). Mild reproof is the most likely to
induce her sincere repentance (Prov. 25:15).
3)
He encourages her. Praise when she does well. This is important because
it will help her to realize the sincerity of your love when you must
reprove, and make reproofs more convicting.
4)
He comforts her. Especially when she is hurting emotionally or
physically. Elkanah's tender reasoning with Hannah brought her to dinner (1
Sam. 1:8-9). A husband's kind word is like medicine to his wife. Do not
underestimate it.
B.
In deed.
1)
He provides for her. It is mainly the husbands duty to provide for
his wife (Exod. 21:10). She should help as she is able. The "honor" a
husband must give to his wife as the weaker vessel may well refer to
maintenance (1 Pet. 3:7; cf. Matt. 15:6; 1 Tim. 5:3). He should make
provision for her not only while he is living, but also after he is gone, as
Christ did for His church. If He can, he should also give her "some pittance
in her own disposal" (exact quote) so she can exercise charity and encourage
servants and children in their duties.
2)
He shows great tenderness to her. This is especially shown in his
protection of he, from dangers, temptation, harm, reproach, contempt, and
his sympathy with her in troubles.
3)
He is a good example to her. Wives usually follow their husbands to
hell or to heaven. His example is a greater influence than he may realize.
Solomon calls him "the guide of her youth" (Prov. 2:17). Therefore set the
pace in piety, seriousness, charity, wisdom, and goodness. She will learn to
pray from your prayers. Your life will be a rule or law for hers.
4)
He grants her reasonable requests. Remember David granting
Bathsheba he request of the throne for her son (1 Kings 1:15-31), Isaac
granting Rebekah he request of a godly wife for Jacob (Get 27:46; cf. 28:1),
and Jesus Christ granting the reasonable petitions of His church. A husband
should be anticipating her requests, and giving her before she asks. He
should seek her advice, as Elkanah and Abraham did (1 Sam. 1:23; Gen.
21:12), and yield to her when she is right.
5)
He trusts he, in domestic affairs. "The heart of her husband safely
trusts her" (Prov. 31:11), especially if she has enough sense to guide
domestic affairs, as she ought to have. A husband has more important things
to do than direct the household servants. She may occasionally consult him
so that if things do not turn out well, she may escape blame. But generally
he should move in his sphere outside the home, and she in hers, within the
home. He should fetch honey, and she should work it in the hive.
6)
He exercises authority toward her. The all-wise God invested the first
husband with authority (Gen. 2:23), and this was not taken away in his fall
(Gen. 3:16). The light of nature and the gospel requires this (Est. 1:22; 1
Cor. 11:3). Only proud and ignorant women dispute it. But a husband must use
it:
a.
wisely. He can only keep authority by a truly spiritual,
serious, and manly behavior. It will be hard for her to reverence him if
he does not reverence God. If he is light or effeminate, he will lose it.
b.
mildly. Remember that though his position is superior,
their souls are equal. She is your companion, therefore you cannot rule
her as a king does his subjects, but as the head does its body. Eve was
not taken from Adam's head or foot, but from his side, near his heart. His
attitude must be friendly, his language sweet, his commands sparing and
respectful, and his reproofs gentle (Col. 3:16). Do not think the way to
keep a wife under authority is by intimidation. If meekness of wisdom will
not prevail with her, then you are undone in this world, and she in the
world to come.
The
Special Duty of a Wife: Respect
This is her
special qualification. If she has all beauty and learning but no respect for her
husband, she is not a good wife. Creation suggests it, She was made after the
man (1 Tim. 2:13), from the man (1 Cor. 11:8), and for the man (1 Cor. 11:9).
This order was not by man's doing, but God's. Even after the fall the divine
order stands: "He shall rule over you" (Gen. 3:16). The New Testament confirms
all this (Col. 3:18; 1 Pet. 3:1-6). Even if she is the sweetest thing and her
husband the meanest, she still has a duty to respect him. First, she must fix in
her heart that her position is inferior to his, and then she will be able to
fulfill all respect implies with ease and delight. It is not fitting to set the
rib above, or even on the same level with, the head.
1. The
Description of a Godly Wife's Respect.
A.
She highly esteems him. "All wives will honor their husbands, both
great and small" (Est. 1:20). Ponder the excellence of his person, and value
it properly. And if he is not accomplished, then she should consider the
excellence ofhis place as "the image and glory of God" (1 CoR. 11:7). You
esteemed him when you chose him as your husband, and you should continue to do
so. Remember Michal's disrespect to David and her punishment from God (2 Sam.
6:16, 23). Her family and neighbors will respect her about as much as she
respects her husband, so in honoring film, she honors herself.
B.
She dearly loves him. This respect is posed of love, which is also
the wife's duty (Tit. 2:4). Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel left parents, friends,
and country entirely out of love for their husbands. A young woman named Clara
Cerventa was married to Valdaura whose body was so riddled with disease that
no one else would touch him, but she dressed his sores with all care, and sold
her attire and jewelry to maintain him. Finally he died, and when comforters
came to her, she told them she would buy him back again with the loss of her
five children if she could. She can beget her hushand's love no better way
than by her reverence toward him.
C.
She diligently pleases him. The word "respect" in Ephesians
5:33 is literally "fear." She should maintain "chaste conduct accompanied by
fear" (1 Pet. 3:2), for one without the other is inadequate. This fear is not
servile, but a sincere desire to please and refusal to offend him. "I will do
my utmost to please him, though I do not fear his hand, but his frown. I would
rather displease the whole world than my husband."
2. The
Pattern of a Godly Wife's Respect:
A.
The church's respect for Christ. Wives, submit to your own
husbands, as to the Lord" (Eph. 5:22). "Just as the church is subject to
Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in eveything" (5:24). Her
submission is to be like the church's ideal submission to Christ.
1)
In everything. In things great and small, agreeable and disagreeable to
her. Only when he requires what God forbids or forbids what God requires is
she to refuse submission. She may reason with him in things inconvenient to
her, but if he will not be persuaded, and there is no sin in the case, she
must submit to him.
2)
Free, willing, and cheerful. The service Christians do to the Lord
is with goodwill (Eph. 6:7). So the wife should submit to her husband as if
there were but one will in their two hearts. Leah and Rachel followed Jacob
like his shadow (Gen. 31:16). Sarah's reverence was sincere, as she called
her husband "lord" (Gen. 18:12), and this is an example for Christian wives
(1 Pet. 3:6). Therefore a grudging obedience is unacceptable, and usually
springs from her unmortified pride and self-conceit. Even if he is severe,
it is better for you to do your duty, and leave his judgment to God.
B.
The body's respect for the head. "For the husband is the head of the
wife" (Eph. 5:23). All members of the body realize the head is useful for
their good. The hand will accept a wound to protect the head. Whatever the
head decides to do, the body gets up and follows as long as it can. This is
the way the wife should honor her husband, second only to God. It is ludicrous
for the head to go one way and the rib another, for a soldier to command his
general, or for the moon to pretend superiority over the sun. Only if the
husband is insane is this altered. "The man has authority in his house unless
he is verbum anomalum; that is, a fool" (Luther).
3. The
Demonstration of a Godly Wife's Respect.
A.
In word. "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth
speaks" (Matt. 12:34). If she really respects him, it will show in what she
says, "On her tongue is the law of kindness" (Prov. 31:26; cf. 15:4).
1)
She speaks respectfully of him in his absence. No wife is too great
or good to imitate Sarah's godly example of giving her husband a title of
respect like "lord" (1 Pet. 3:6). A wicked woman refers to her husband as
"the man" (literal Hebrew in Prov. 7:19). Would that this was the worst
thing wives call their husbands behind their backs!
2)
She speaks respectfully to him in his presence. Beware of:
a.
interrupting him while he is speaking, or saying ten words to his one.
Silence commends a woman's wisdom more than speech. The wise woman uses
words sparingly.
b.
using disrespectful words or tone. Strive for "a gentle and quiet spirit"
(1 Pet. 3:4). Do not be afraid that this will make your husband worse, but
trust in God's wisdom (1 Pet. 3:1; Prov. 25:15). Remember God hears and
will judge you for every idle word (Matt. 12:36). Ideally, both the
husband and wife should be slow to passion, yet where one must yield, it
is most reasonably expected of the wife. No woman gets honor by having the
last word. Some women argue that their tongue is their only weapon, but
the wise know that their tongue is set on fire by hell (Jas. 3:6). See how
Rachel spoke rashly to Jacob, "Give me children, or else I die" (Gen.
30:1), and as soon as she had two, she died (Gen. 35:18)! On the other
hand behaved prudently with a very bad husband, and was raised to honor.
If respect will not prevail with him, anger never can. That is why the
husband and wife ought to agree never to shout at one another.
B.
In deed.
1)
She obeys his directions and restraints. Sarah obeyed Abraham, and
she is a worthy model (1 Pet. 3:6). He said, "Quickly, make ready three
measures of fine meal; knead it and make cakes" (Gen. 18:6), and she did it
promptly. The wife is bound in conscience to obey her husband in everything
that is not contrary to the revealed will of God, and even in this case, she
should refuse respectfully. For example, she cannot consent to omit Bible
reading, or prayer, or sanctifying the Lord's Day, although he command it ever
so sternly. The house is her proper place; she is its beauty; there is her
business and safety. Only urgent necessity should call her abroad. The
prostitute's feet did not abide at her house (Prov. 7:11). She must live where
her husband judges best. Wives are to "love their husbands, to love their
children, to be discreet, chaste, homemakers ("keepers at home," KJV, Greek,
oikouros, meaning caring for the house, working at home, keeping at home and
taking care of household affairs, Strong's Concordance], good, obedient to
their own husbands" (Tit. 2:4).
2)
She asks his counsel and hears his reproofs. Rebekah would not send
Jacob to her brother Laban without consulting Isaac (Gen. 27:46). Sarah would
not discard Hagar the servant without consulting Abraham (Gen. 21:10). The
Shunnamite woman would not receive a prophet into the house without advising
her husband (2 Kings 4:10). Her hardest task is in hearing a reproof lovingly
and thankfully, especially if she has a proud and contentious spirit. But she
should remember she has her faults, and no one can see them better than her
husband. So to answer him harshly for reproof shows great ingratitude. If she
really respects him, this will be a much easier pill to swallow.
3)
She maintains a respectful and cheerful attitude at all times.
She should not indulge irritability or gloom when he is happy, nor be
giddy when he is sad. She should try her best to make him delight in her. Let
her express contentedness in her goods and position, and a sweet disposition
so he will enjoy being at home with her. Let her study how he likes his meals,
his clothes, and his lodging, and conform to his pleasure, because even in
these small things many sharp arguments may arise. She must never let her
familiarity with him breed contempt. His love must not make her forget her
duty, but rather increase her efforts. His fondness must not decrease her
respect for him. It is better to obey a wise man than a fool. Most husbands
are liable to reform if their wives respect them properly. Likewise, most
wives can be won to respect by his wisdom and affection.
Some will
disregard all this counsel with the excuse that none can attain it, but this
mocks God. He will punish all such. If His vengeance does not meet you in this
life, as it often does the rebellious, then it will in another. A true Christian
is marked by a fundamental submission to biblical counsel; without this, you are
mere hypocrites.
How to
Accomplish These Duties
1. Keep
Yourself Pure Before Marriage. This will help you in the duties of
marriage later. Everyone old "possess his own vessel in sanctification d honor"
(1 Thess. 4:4). The fornicator before marriage continues his sin in marriage.
Beware of lust's first beginning, and flee it like poison. Keep your heart
filled with the things of God and your body busy about your duties. The greatest
fires begin with a spark. Momentary pleasure that precedes eternal torment is
utter folly. If you have sinned in this way cleanse your hearts and hands with
Christ's blood by confession to God with fasting and prayer for His forgiveness
and strength against future temptation. Get a taste of the more ravishing
delights of Gods favor and promises, pardon of sin, and assurance of life and
immortality. Once you have drunk from the pure stream, you will not prefer the
muddy stream.
2. Choose
Your Spouse Carefully. Now that you know how difficult godly marriage
is, you should be praying that He would guide you into it. Do not first love and
then consider. First consider, and then love. Let their soul be your main
concern, not their looks or money. Why espouse a perpetual cross for some
passing profit or delight? Marry only a Christian, the more godly the better.
Consider also their personality. Speak honestly to one another about your faults
and liabilities before marrying. If someone sold you a sick animal as a healthy
one, you would feel cheated. How much worse is it when someone pretends to be
better than they really are to secure marriage to one they profess to love!
3. Study
Biblical Marriage Duties Before You Have Them. Being a godly spouse is
such a big challenge that you must prepare for it well beforehand. It is no
wonder that so many marriages fail! Too often the husband does not know how to
rule, the wife does not know how to obey. They are both ignorant, conceited, and
miserable. Therefore, parents ought to teach their children about the duties of
marriage. Otherwise families which should be the nurseries of the church prove
to be hotbeds of disorder and immorality. Read not only Scripture, but good
books like Couge's treatise on Domestic Duties or Mr. Bolton or Mr. Gataker or
Mr. Whately. [modern readers have many choices; we would commend Douglas
Wilson's Reforming Marriage by Canon Press.]
4.
Resolve to Obey God Without Any Reservation. Until you are born again
and made holy in your heart and conduct, you cannot please God or be a complete
blessing to your spouse. You can only live together as civil pagans. The husband
that truly fears God cannot remain bitter against his wife. A Bible placed
between you will eliminate many differences, comfort many distresses, and guide
you in many confounding circumstances. Remember God's commands have the highest
reason and obedience has the greatest sweetness. Keep the Golden Rule in your
marriage. Righteousness abroad will not excuse wickedness at home. When you each
focus on your own duties, you will be blessed.
5. Get
and Maintain True Affection for Your Spouse. Give no place for
jealousy. Do not give ear to backbiters and gossips. Jealousy often develops
where true affection was lacking from the start.
6. Pray
for Spiritual Graces.
A.
Wisdom. A lack of wisdom causes many troubles in marriage. We need
much wisdom to rule as husbands, and to submit as wives.
B.
Humility. This keeps the husband from becoming a tyrant, and
the wife in ready subjection to her husband. "By pride comes nothing but
strife" (Prov. 13:10). A proud person could not agree with an angel; the
humble will agree with anybody. Humility will also promote contentment. The
humble husband and wife will say, "My spouse is far too good for such a sinful
person as myself. I don't deserve such a wonderful partner. That was a sharp
reproof, but it was nothing compared to hell, which is what I deserve." Truly
humble people are easy companions.
C.
Uprightness. An upright heart is needed to keep these commandments of
God. An upright heart will choose the safest course, even if it is the
hardest. It will suffer the worst injury rather than cause the least. It will
watch against the beginnings of sin, which produce marriage's worst troubles.
The upright husband and wife will strive each to do their own duty, and will
be most severe against their own failures.
D. Scott Meadows is pastor of Calvary Baptist Church a reformed Baptist
Congregation in Exeter New Hampshire
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